Many couples find themselves stuck in a Catch-22 when it comes to intimacy - one partner claims they aren't "in the mood", so the other person doesn't initiate, leading to more distance and emotional frustration. This vicious cycle relies on the faulty assumption that desire has to strike like a lightning bolt before any intimacy can occur.

The truth is, desire doesn't always arise spontaneously. Sometimes, you have to open yourself up and get into an intimate experience first in order for arousal and passion to slowly awaken. The key is shifting the mindset from "Am I in the mood right now?" to "Am I willing and open to allowing myself to get in the mood?"

Think about appetite - you're not always ravenously hungry when you sit down for a meal. But as you start taking bites, the smells and tastes spark your body's natural hunger signals. Arousal can work in a similar fashion. While you may not feel overcome with lust in the beginning, engaging in intimate exploration with your partner like sensual massage or reading erotic stories together can "prime the pump" of desire.

The goal isn't to demand that desire arrive in its finished form right away. It's about making a conscious choice to create opportunities where you open yourself up to becoming aroused, rather than waiting around. Schedule dedicated couple's time to give and receive sensual touch with no expectations, or share intimate conversations that foster emotional closeness.

With playfulness, patience and vulnerability, you can slowly coax your sleeping libido awake from these intimate experiences. Don't judge yourself if intense desire doesn't appear instantly - tend to the glowing embers first, and the flame can gradually ignite. Exercises like sensate focus, where you take turns exploring each other's bodies without having to perform, can be a powerful way to rediscover pleasure through touch.

Ultimately, while spontaneous bursts of lust are wonderful, we can't leave our intimate life hostage to them. We have more control over our desire than we think - by intentionally prioritizing intimacy and being open to the journey of arousal, we can consciously invite passion in, rather than hoping it arrives by chance. Stop waiting, and start initiating.