Building a Strong Relationship: The Sound Relationship House by Gottman

When it comes to building and maintaining a healthy relationship, communication and understanding are key. But how do we go about creating a strong and lasting relationship? One model that can be helpful in this process is the Sound Relationship House by Drs. John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman.

The Sound Relationship House model is based on the idea that a strong relationship is built on a foundation of trust, shared goals, and mutual respect. This foundation is made up of nine different components, which are:

Build Love Maps: Knowing your partner's inner world - their thoughts, feelings, and history - is essential for understanding and supporting them.

Anna and Sabrina have a weekly ritual they call "Heart-to-Heart Sundays." Every Sunday evening, they set aside dedicated time to sit down together, away from distractions, to delve into the depths of each other's thoughts, dreams, and experiences. They take turns sharing the highlights and challenges of their week, asking probing questions to gain insights into the nuances of their partner's inner world. Anna might ask Sabrina about a recent project at work, while Sabrina might inquire about Anna's latest book club meeting. They actively listen, offering supportive responses and validating each other's feelings. This intentional practice not only strengthens their emotional connection but also reinforces the importance of being fully present for one another in their relationship.

Share Fondness and Admiration: Share the positive things you see in your partner, and make sure they feel valued and appreciated.

Todd and Eric keep a shared journal where they write notes of appreciation to each other. They take turns adding entries, highlighting specific qualities and actions that they adore in one another. This tangible expression of fondness not only serves as a heartfelt reminder of their love but also fosters a continuous appreciation for the positive aspects of their relationship.

Turn Towards Each Other: Be responsive to your partner's bids for connection, and make sure to make time for each other.

Ryan and Megan are sitting in the living room after a long day. Megan glances at Ryan and says, "You won't believe what happened at work today." In this instance, Megan is making a bid for connection by expressing a desire to share her experiences and emotions with Ryan.

Ryan recognizes Megan's bid for connection and responds positively. He puts down his phone, turns towards her, and says, "I'm all ears! Tell me about your day." By acknowledging and engaging with Megan's bid, Ryan shows that he values her communication and is willing to connect with her emotionally. This response fosters a positive and supportive atmosphere in their relationship.

The Positive Perspective: Try to approach conflicts and difficulties with a positive attitude and a willingness to compromise.

Jake and Sarah maintain a "solution-oriented" approach to conflicts. When faced with disagreements, they consciously focus on finding common ground and compromise rather than dwelling on the issues. They often remind each other of the positive aspects of their relationship, fostering a sense of unity and teamwork.

Manage Conflict: Learn how to argue in a healthy and constructive way.

Paul and Emily have established a set of "ground rules" for disagreements. They use "I" statements to express their feelings, take breaks if emotions escalate, and actively listen to each other's perspectives. By addressing conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner, they build resilience in their relationship.

Make Life Dreams Come True: Set shared goals and work together to achieve them.

Liam and Olivia, driven by a mutual desire to be globally and environmentally conscious, established early in their relationship the ambitious goal of eventually homesteading. In the short term, they set achievable milestones, such as implementing energy-efficient upgrades, embracing a minimalist lifestyle, and prioritizing eco-friendly practices. These shared goals and values serve as a guiding force, ensuring that they move forward together, adopting new habits and making choices aligned with their vision. While the prospect of owning a homestead remains a long-term aspiration, the journey itself becomes a testament to their commitment. Regardless of the eventual outcome, Liam and Olivia find fulfillment in the shared path they've traveled, making meaningful and impactful choices in unison, creating a life that reflects their joint values and aspirations. This collective journey towards a shared dream strengthens their relationship, fostering a deep sense of connection and unity.

Create Shared Meaning: Create shared values and rituals that give your relationship a sense of purpose and meaning.

Alex and Nicole have established a set of rituals and traditions that hold special meaning for both of them. These include a monthly hiking trip, a yearly vacation, and a weekly date night. These shared experiences contribute to a sense of unity, purpose, and priority in their relationship.

Trust: build trust by being dependable, honest, and transparent.

Evelyn and Eamon prioritize trust as the bedrock of their relationship. They actively cultivate a culture of open communication, where no topic is off-limits. Intentional communication helps them stay connected and aware of each other's emotional states. Eamon and Evelyn are committed to being honest and transparent, even when faced with challenging situations. This includes being forthright about their individual needs, desires, and any potential sources of stress. If either encounters a situation that may impact the relationship, they make it a priority to communicate promptly, fostering an environment where openness is valued. As a result of these practices, Eamon and Evelyn have developed a deep sense of trust in each other, creating a relationship where they feel secure, understood, and supported.

Commitment: Make a commitment to your relationship and work through challenges together.

Chris and Lisa made a commitment to each other when they got married but also acknowledge and understand that commitment is an ongoing process that requires effort and dedication. While difficulties may come and go, they know that as they actively work through them together, their commitment will only grow stronger to one another.

The Sound Relationship House model can be a helpful tool for couples as they work to build and maintain a strong and lasting relationship. By focusing on these nine components and working together to strengthen them, couples can create a foundation of trust, shared goals, and mutual respect that will help them weather any challenges that come their way.

It's important to keep in mind that building a strong relationship takes time and effort, and that it's a process that is ongoing. By committing to working on these components, couples can create a solid foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Do you have a sound relationship? If you believe that any of these elements of the Gottman house are missing or weak in your relationship, consider reaching out to one of our couples therapists by contacting hello@rootsbrancheswellness.com.