Expressing Positive Needs
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it's important to remember that how we express ourselves during conflict can make a big difference. This isn’t just semantics. Picture it as laying the groundwork for a constructive dialogue where both partners can engage without defensiveness or feeling under attack. The essence lies in crafting your expressions in a way that not only articulates your needs but also invites the other person to respond positively. After all, the beauty of any relationship lies not just in weathering conflicts but in using them as stepping stones towards deeper connection and shared happiness.
Katy and Paul have a good relationship but every time Paul is in charge of bedtime, it doesn’t happen as scheduled. If Katy wanted to stay up the rest of the night fighting with Paul, she could say, “Why didn’t you have the kids in bed by 8 like I asked? Now they will be grumpy all day tomorrow.” Paul could immediately become defensive or feel like he is being talked down to instead of hearing the need from Katy.
Instead, Katy knows that there is a more effective way to resolve conflicts and that is to express positive needs rather than complaining or making accusations. Katy says, "I would really be grateful if we could get the kids in bed by 8. It helps them have a better day."
By expressing her desire for the kids to be in bed by 8 in a positive way, emphasizing the outcome of a better day for the children, Katy opens the door to a constructive conversation and creates a shared goal with Paul that he can help them achieve. Framing needs positively can foster understanding and cooperation, avoiding defensiveness and facilitating a more harmonious resolution to conflicts.
Other examples of positive needs may sound like this:
In the workplace
Instead of Complaining: "You never consider my ideas during team meetings, and it's frustrating."
Expressing Positive Needs: "I really value collaboration and would love the opportunity to share my ideas during our team meetings. It would help me feel more engaged and contribute to our projects."
Within your family
Instead of Complaining: "You're always on your phone and never spend time with me."
Expressing Positive Needs: "Spending quality time together is important to me. Could we set aside some time each day to connect without distractions? It would mean a lot to me."
With your roommate
Instead of Complaining: "You're so messy and never clean up after yourself!"
Expressing Positive Needs: "Maintaining a clean and organized living space is important for me to feel comfortable at home. Can we discuss a system for sharing cleaning responsibilities that works for both of us?"
In these examples, expressing positive needs focuses on the speaker's desires, preferences, and values, while avoiding blaming or accusing the other person. This approach promotes understanding and collaboration, making it more likely for conflicts to be resolved in a constructive manner.
It's also important to remember that if you're feeling too upset to express your needs positively, it's okay to take a break and come back to the conversation later. If you need time to cool down, wait ten minutes or longer before trying to express your needs again. This will help you to be more calm and clear-headed when you express yourself.
When you’re ready, here are three things to remember when you go to express your positive needs:
Start with "I" Statements: Begin your expression with phrases like "I would appreciate" or "I feel," emphasizing your feelings and needs without blaming the other person. For example, "I would appreciate it if we could..."
Emphasize the Positive Outcome: Clearly communicate the positive impact of meeting your needs. Connect your request to a shared goal or mutual benefit. For instance, "It would help us have a better day if..."
Be Specific and Concise: Clearly state what you desire while keeping your message focused and concise. Avoid vague complaints and instead provide actionable requests. For instance, "Could we set aside time each day to connect without distractions? It would mean a lot to me."
You can see all of these at play in the examples above.
By being more mindful of how you express yourself, you can improve your communication and get the help and support you need during conflicts. Remember that it's okay to take a break if you need it and come back to the conversation later with a clear mind. Complaining, accusing, and criticizing will not ultimately get your needs met and can escalate the conflict. Focusing on positive needs allows for a clear and concise way to make your desires, preferences, and values heard and acted upon.
