High-Demand Religions and Parenthood: Faith Crisis and the Perinatal Period
Rates of individuals participating in religion have declined in recent years, and in 2020 less than half of Americans reported belonging to a house of worship. (Jones, 2021). Recently, more attention has come to ‘high-demand religions’ and what the experience of questioning, or leaving, these religions is like.
“Religions can be described as high-demand when they involve high time and resource commitments; emphasis on leadership, orthodox belief, and scriptural inerrancy or literalism; and strict behavioral codes including rules of diet, dress, tithing, education, sexual practices, media and technology use, language, social involvement, and marriage.” (Myers, 2017).
The process of questioning or leaving a high-demand religion comes with a unique set of circumstances that may not be found in other religious groups. Participants in such religions may experience religious trauma, which can be defined as doctrine or culture that can lead individuals to “suffer for decades from post-traumatic stress disorder-type symptoms, including anxiety, self-doubt and feelings of social inadequacy” (Schiffman, 2019). Leaving one’s sect can have dramatic impact on one’s life, including affecting one’s career, marriage, family, community, friendships, and mental health.
As a PMH-C (Perinatal Mental Health-Certified) therapist working in an area in which many individuals seek therapy for both a PMAD (perinatal mood or anxiety disorder) and religious/faith related reasons, I began to draw parallels between these two experiences.
In my clinical practice, I noted that experiencing a PMAD and undergoing a crisis of faith usually involve shifts in identity, roles, and relationships. Often clients face these battles privately while putting on a public front. Both involve anger, grief, and loss, but both can be catalysts for incredible growth.
Although a crisis of faith is not a diagnosable mental health condition, many clients reported similar feelings during each experience. In addition to my clinical work, I surveyed individuals who experienced both a faith crisis and PMAD.
For the purpose of the survey, I defined “faith crisis” broadly, including the experience of doubting one’s religion, transitioning out of one’s religion, or identifying with experiencing an “expansion or journey” from the religious orthodoxy one once adhered to.
Participants either self-identified as having, or received an official diagnosis of, PMAD, including prenatal or postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, panic attacks, PTSD, etc. The goal of the survey was to understand more about the pairing of these experiences, so that clinicians can work effectively with these clients. Forty-five respondents completed the online survey. Thirty-five respondents reported their religious background as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as LDS or Mormons, six identified as Evangelical Christian, and the four remaining respondents identified as Catholic (1), Non-denominational Christian (1), Jehovah’s Witness (1), and Pagan (1).
Someone experiencing both a PMAD and a faith crisis may question the experience of motherhood itself. One participant wrote, “I put all my beliefs about motherhood and being blessed in one basket. Then I lost everything.” Our ideas of why we become mothers and what a “good mother” is are often informed by religion.
Being a good mother and being a good member of one’s religious community are both roles in which one may feel pressure to look, feel, and act a certain way. One respondent wrote, “I feel I cannot attain any amount of success in either my role as a mother or as a member of an organized religious group to the standard everyone expects of me.” Another reported, “The faith crisis has helped me challenge expectations of motherhood.” Sixty-nine percent of respondents reported experiencing a faith crisis and a PMAD at the same time, and it was common for participants to consider the motherhood experience in this context, as reflected in the quotes below:
I think the PMAD and faith crisis have somewhat compounded each other. Since I haven't loved being a stay-at-home-mom, it's made me think a lot harder about what I was taught about motherhood growing up. If my religion hadn't emphasized having children so much, would I still have wanted kids at all?
[The PMAD and faith crisis] made me question the church’s gender narrative. I had always been taught that my role was to be a wife/mother, in the home with a large family. When I began to wonder if I’d only ever have one child, what did that mean about my purpose? Why would God give me such a specific commandment but without the means to fulfill it? And if God wanted other things for me, what did that mean?
While I have been very open about my PMAD with my friends, some of whom also experienced PMAD, it's still hard to not think I'm just not meant for motherhood. They seem to love their babies more than I feel I love mine. If I hadn't been on this faith crisis/transition/journey/expansion, then I might feel worse about not loving motherhood from a Mormon standpoint, but I don't care too much about fitting the traditional Mormon mold anymore.
[PMAD and faith crisis] have the same root cause. I can't rely on the patriarchal, authoritarian systems in health care or in religion. There are good things about those systems too but there is also a lot of harm to women, and it is so difficult to speak up or know how to navigate.
[My religion] puts motherhood on a pedestal and makes it seem like motherhood would bring all this joy, and that I was born to do this, and that nurturing children was God-given and that being a stay-at-home mom was the thing to do. All these expectations have painted an unrealistic picture of what motherhood actually is, and have negatively affected me.
A person experiencing both a PMAD and faith crisis at the same time can feel one deepening or exacerbating the other. As one participant wrote, “I had postpartum depression and anxiety, which led to panic attacks, mental breakdowns, and being ostracized from my ministry leaders, etc. They went hand in hand. “If I was a better Christian, I’d not be depressed.” That mindset didn’t help the PMAD, and it made me start deconstructing my beliefs further.” The interplay between a PMAD and a faith crisis can be cyclical in nature.
A majority of respondents spoke to how identity profoundly shifted because of experiencing a PMAD and a faith crisis.
As I've deconstructed, I became acutely aware of how wrapped up my identity was in being a good Mormon. Now that I no longer fall into that category, I'm trying to figure out at forty-four years old who I really am without that label. It's hard.
My whole approach to myself had to change. My worth was based on my faith. On my ability to be a good mother or partner. I had to learn how to see myself from a completely new perspective.
My identity and understanding of my self ultimately shifted in positive ways as a result of both my postpartum panic symptoms, as well as my faith crisis. I was forced to face parts of myself in my environment that were very difficult for me to reconcile and sit with. Both times forced me to act with compassion and grace toward myself and others. Ultimately through both I found a new depth in my identity and a greater purpose in my life.
I feel like now I am a feminist, far more liberal politically, and less enmeshed with my family and church communities. And that I have far more ambitions and dreams for myself both in terms of career and personal development.
I feel like everything I was dissolved and I had to build myself up from the pieces. I feel like everything on the outside died and I became a more vulnerable and true representation of myself. I stopped shaving, my world paradigms shifted, I started dressing and speaking in a different way, etc.
I’m a completely different person. I walked through fire to get through my PMAD and came out with so many tools to help me be a gentle, compassionate parent. I lost my faith in any sort of god but gained faith in myself. Losing my faith came with the benefit of losing years of guilt over not being enough. I was finally able to come out as bisexual to my family and community. Living authentically as myself has felt so good, and I don't know that I would have had the strength to do that before these two big shifts of my identity.
For me, the PMAD was an initial trigger- I had undiagnosed PPD after my fourth child. The accompanying faith crisis was a complete unraveling of my identity, world view, relationship to self, and sense of safety and security in the world. It took years of navigating to understand what was happening to me, to regain my own sense of self, and begin healing.
[A high-demand religion] is part of your identity and stripping that away is very jarring. I feel like I've gone through all the stages of grief.
Major ideological shifts occurred for most of the respondents. The impact of both of these experiences on one’s identify and how they view themselves in the world cannot be understated.
The difficult part of experiencing both at the same time was described as intense and never-ending. Feelings of instability and discouragement were common amongst many participants in the survey.
Experiencing both at the same time made both worse, I think. Compounded everything. I didn’t know which “thing” was the “reason” for my issues/triggers.
I felt such an impending doom after childbirth that my faith crisis made it worse. What if I die? Is this it? It was so heavy all the time.
Normally, my faith would have helped ground me through the PMAD, or more stable hormones would have grounded me through a faith crisis—but having them at the same time really left me with very little to grasp onto.
I needed support for the PMAD but didn’t feel comfortable getting it from my faith community. The PMAD was isolating and the faith crisis exacerbated that.
I felt unmoored for several years. That was a LOT of changes at once. There was a lot of 'coping ugly' before the resilience came.
[It was difficult] not knowing if I was struggling because of my depression and anxiety, or my faith crisis. So, not knowing if it was something where meds needed to be adjusted, or therapy increased, or if it was just something I needed to wait for to pass.
Triggers could be very very similar and I had PTSD from both. Neither were issues I could completely remove myself from. I had to navigate how to live with them when all I wanted was out.
The combination of depression/trauma and a faith crisis is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. I have found that many people suggest that the resolution to one of the issues is the other and vice verse. If you are depressed, God will lift you. If you are having struggles with faith, just feel the goodness around you. The combination of both can send you into a very dark place with few options to lighten your mind and life.
Both parts brought a tremendous amount of grief and uncertainty. I feared that I would lose family and friends because of how I was feeling or acting.
Experiencing two major stressors on one’s mental health at the same time brought up confusion, uncertainty, and hopelessness. Participants were surveyed on what resources were most helpful for them as a they navigated a PMAD and a faith crisis. For a PMAD, the top response reported was therapy, with eighteen respondents stating therapy was helpful. Other resources were identified as follows: friends/informal support (13 respondents) medication (11), family or partner support (8), alternative strategies like yoga, meditation, movement, etc. (8), formal support groups (7), other professionals (medical doctors, clergy, doulas, etc. (7), social media/podcasts (5) and research/books (4). For a faith crisis, social media/podcasts and friends/informal support were the most frequently named resources with nineteen participants including both of these responses. Other helps were reported as follows: family/partner (10), books/research (9), therapy (8), formal/organized support groups (4), other professionals (medical doctors, clergy, doulas, etc. (3), alternative strategies like yoga, meditation, movement, etc. (3), It is interesting to note that although participants listed the same resources as helpful for both a PMAD and faith crisis, what was listed most frequently for one was not listed frequently for the other.
Seventy-one percent of respondents reported they sought therapy for either their PMAD, faith crisis, or both. Some participants expressed strong feelings about seeing a therapist who was a member of their same religious community, stating things like, “I don’t know if it’s possible for someone who has not come from that background to fully understand the hold it has on me and others like me, so I honestly would prefer a therapist who was familiar with the background I have.”
Another reported, “I’m not sure that I'd trust that a therapist who didn't grow up in my religion, or at least another high-demand religion, to really know what it's like. Even if I tried to explain aspects of my religious upbringing to them, I'd be worried that they wouldn't really get it, especially how hard leaving or semi-leaving really is, within the culture and within a family.” Other respondents felt safer with a therapist not of their faith, reporting “I prefer a therapist who is not of my religious background because I feel significantly more free in what I can say.” And, “I am going to a therapist who is not of my religious background, and it’s actually been groundbreaking for me to realize how many things in the culture of my religion led to trauma for me.” Participants reported mixed experiences with therapy, with some stating it was helpful, but others reporting is was neutral or not helpful.
Participants were asked what they would want a therapist not of their religious background to know or do, and reported the following:
Highly religious cultures and communities may…
be intense
demand conformity and limit self-expression
be black and white
encompass all areas of life and childhood development
affect how one thinks and behaves, even after having left
Separating oneself from the community can be…
very painful, like “a divorce on steroids”
traumatic, and may not be like leaving a lower demand religion
I want my therapist to…
have awareness of what it means to be in a high-demand religion
understand Fowler’s stages of faith
be loving and non-judgmental of my choice to participate in my religion in the past
understand there are parts of my religious background that I still identify with, and other parts which I have strong negative reactions toward
give comprehensive support, patience, and care
not advise me to “just leave [my religion]” without understanding what that entails
Experiencing a faith crisis and a PMAD can be a catalyst for post-traumatic growth, and some respondents reported experiencing both at the same time was helpful.
Something that helped me with both experiences was coming into my body and asking myself, “what am I feeling right now?” And learning to identify feelings and sensations. I trusted my body and her wisdom. Even when so many of our experiences are made out to be pathological, I recognized that my body was communicating to me and that I hadn’t really learned the language yet. This made a huge difference.
I learned more about my body and mind connection. I learned to listen to myself and to care for myself.
I feel like I've been enlightened on the dangers of authoritarian patriarchal systems. I live in a structure created based on false traditions and damaging beliefs about women. It caused me to seek out alternatives and some of those have become really beautiful and inspiring parts of my life.
EVERYTHING crumbled and I got to start completely new. I feel like it helped me buckle down, re-evaluate, and take action for what I really wanted my life to look like. Also it helped me decide to not have any more kids which I am thrilled about. But I know if I was still Mormon I would have felt pressure and probably would be pregnant again with #3.
I feel like the descent made me who I am today. Much more compassionate and also so genuine.
I shed a lot of shame and guilt when I lost my faith. It was a hard road to walk (especially simultaneously!) but it's a journey I'm glad I took. My mental health is better than it ever was, even before experiencing PMADs.
These respondents were able to weather the crisis both of these opportunities presented and ultimately find meaning, purpose, and a better concept of self.
Many interventions and skills used to treat PMADs can also be used for faith transition. In light of my clinical work and research gathered, listed below are several therapy topics applicable both to a PMAD and faith crisis that are essential:
Discussing relationships, boundaries, grief, and self-care
Helping clients connect with formal community support (groups, meet-ups, etc.)
Encouraging clients to connect with informal community support (finding safe, reliable, friends to confide in; accessing social media sites or groups)
Guiding clients to step into their own strength and to make choices from their personal power
In addition to the above, clinicians seeing a faith crisis client should also consider:
The relationships people develop with their faith, especially in high-demand religions, may be very complex
Understanding what it means when a client expresses they have doubts or are considering leaving their high-demand religion, including community and familial consequences
Purity culture/sexuality as taught in the religion
The role of women/patriarchal structure in the religion
If religious trauma/spiritual abuse is present
Referring to a religious trauma specialist as needed
While for some, being a member of a high-demand religion may bring stability and safety, for others it can become a liability that may impact their relationships, family life, and community standing should they choose to divest themselves from the group. From my work and from studying the responses in this survey, I find this quote by William C. Hannan applicable for many individuals who have experienced both a faith crisis and a PMAD: “I no longer feared the darkness once I knew the phoenix in me would rise from the ashes.”
Sitting in this darkness with clients, whether due to a PMAD or a crisis of faith, is an incredible privilege I have as a clinician; watching a metaphorical phoenix rise from the rubble of these experiences brings immense professional joy. I am very grateful to all who have shared their stories with me in the therapy room and through this study. I hope this research can bring greater awareness about faith crisis to clinicians, and that they will be empowered to seek skills and knowledge to help clients through this experience.
References:
Myers, S. A. (2017). Visualizing the Transition Out of High-Demand Religions. LMU/LLS Theses and Dissertations. 321. https://digitalcommons.lmu.edu/etd/321
Jones, J.M. (2021, Mar 9). U.S. Church Membership Falls Below Majority for First Time. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/341963/church-membership-falls-below-majority-first-time.aspx
Schiffman, R. (2019, Feb 5). When Religion Leads to Trauma. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/05/well/mind/religion-trauma-lgbt-gay-depression-anxiety.html