Dealing with Infertility: The Decision to Stop Trying for a Baby
Infertility is a deeply emotional and challenging experience that feels overwhelmingly lonely and personal. Even though 1 in 6 individuals and 1 in 8 couples experience infertility, it is a personal process where even hearing about success stories may not offer much hope. The process of conceiving a baby is fraught with so many stages where something can go wrong, and to a person who is experiencing infertility, they are intimately aware of every one of those milestones, which is why the journey can feel like a rollercoaster of hope, disappointment, and grief. While the World Health Organization says that approximately 48.5 million couples worldwide experience infertility, we recognize that each of these statistics represents real people facing personal struggles and heartaches.
For individuals and couples dealing with infertility, the decision to stop trying for a baby can be an incredibly painful and complex choice. The emotional impact of infertility is profound, affecting mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. The decision to stop trying for a baby is deeply personal and can be accompanied by feelings of grief, loss, and uncertainty about the future but it can also be the relief and opportunity to feel joy and purpose outside of fertility.
Dealing with infertility can be emotionally challenging for individuals and couples. Consider the couple going through IVF. If the necessity for IVF is not immediately determined, a couple trying to conceive will have likely gone through a year or more of trying to conceive on their own, each month a cycle of hope and disappointment. Then IUIs or medically assisted ovulation, blood panels, uncomfortable tests and scans, embarrassing and invasive doctor appointments. When the decision is made to try IVF, a couple has already experienced so much, and then they must proceed with caution as they figure out ways to finance the procedure, shore up the fortitude to endure days of multiple injections, early morning appointments, and regular ultrasounds. If the cycle is somewhat successful, and there are eggs to retrieve, the woman will go through the physical toll it takes to retrieve those eggs and hope that they will fertilize. Chances are about 50%. From there, waiting to see which of the fertilized eggs will turn into a 4-5 day blastocyst, and then waiting to see if the blast is considered a good enough grade to try and do an implantation.
Everyone going through this process is acutely aware of every chance this process has to fail. There are so many things that must go right in order to take just one step forward at the chance to have a baby.
For those that go through the implantation process, there is fear of it not working initially or miscarriage later.
The amount of times that someone decides to take a chance at any of these procedures is a deeply personal decision and only one that can be decided by the person who is expected to carry through the process. Every disappointment can feel like a crushing weight that makes it harder and harder to experience the outside world where other women seemingly get to make snap decisions about when they want to become pregnant and grow their families. And you will never see more pregnant women and newborns than you do while you are aching for the experience yourself.
If IVF works but you are not able to carry yourself, an option like partnering with a gestational carrier may be an option but it is not feasible for everyone as it is difficult to match with a carrier and can be quite costly. If IVF does not work, embryo adoption may be another alternative.
However, there may come a time when a woman or a couple decide that the continued pursuit of pregnancy is not viable and the option to living a child-free life can be pursued.
Living a child-free life is a valid and fulfilling choice that deserves recognition and respect. While it may initially evoke feelings of grief and loss, embracing this path can also open doors to new opportunities, passions, and joys. Choosing to live child-free does not diminish one's worth or happiness; rather, it allows individuals and couples to redefine their lives on their own terms, free from the pressures and expectations of parenthood.
It’s essential to understand that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Each individual should do personal reflection and think deeply about their own values, circumstances, and abilities. Consulting with fertility experts, therapists, and trusted loved ones who can provide guidance and empathy may help guide your choice, but ultimately it is yours alone to make.
Understanding the emotional journey of coping with infertility and considering the decision to stop trying for a baby allows individuals and couples to navigate this challenging crossroad with greater clarity and self-compassion. Embracing alternative paths to parenthood or choosing to live a child-free life can offer a sense of peace and fulfillment, even though it may not completely erase the pain of infertility.
When is it OK to Stop Trying? Considerations for making an Informed Decision:
Understanding the role of male infertility can impact the success of fertility treatments. Did you know that one third of infertility cases is male-factor infertility (while one third is female-factor, and the other third is unknown infertility). In some cases, addressing male infertility issues may significantly improve the chances of conceiving naturally or through assisted reproductive technologies.
Recognizing the Importance of Reproductive Autonomy: Having control over your reproductive choices is essential. It’s important to consider whether continuing with fertility treatments aligns with your personal values and goals. This consideration extends beyond individual factors and encompasses broader issues such as reproductive autonomy, which can be compromised by lack of insurance coverage, complex heath considerations, and other circumstances. The lack of autonomy can cause additional pain and grief to the situation and can be addressed through therapy and other grief exercises.
Weighing financial burdens: Fertility treatments can be expensive, and the financial strain they impose can be significant. It’s essential to assess whether the financial burden is sustainable for you and your partner in the long run. While this may feel like an immoral reason to stop, assessing your financial security is valid and should not be swept under the rug.
Considering Potential Risks to Physical Health: Some fertility treatments carry potential risks to physical health such as ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS) or multiple pregnancies. For others, the hormones needed to carry a pregnancy may increase the risk of hormone-feeding cancers. The toll on your body as you try to conceive is exhaustive and is not without merit when considering whether you should continue to try.
Exploring emotional well-being: The journey of trying to conceive can take a toll on your emotional well-being. It’s important to reflect on how continuing with fertility treatments may impact your mental health and overall happiness. While you may be overjoyed should the results finally pan in your favor, what will the toll on yourself be if the process continues to drag out over years and decades, as it has for some?
Navigating Complex Emotions: Coming to terms with the possibility of not having biological children can be incredibly challenging. It’s okay to feel a mix of emotions, including grief. And also, relief, as you consider ending fertility treatments. Remember that these emotions are valid and deserve acknowledgment. You will also not feel these emotions linearly, which means that you may have to revisit them multiple times before really coming to terms with your decision.
Finding Support: Making the decision to stop trying for a baby is not easy, and it’s essential to have a support system in place. This can include loved ones, support groups, or professional counseling services. Having people who understand and validate your feelings can make a significant difference during this time. Be prepared to set boundaries with the people who will encourage you to believe harder, pray harder, or just relax.
Seeking Support in a Challenging Time
Dealing with infertility can be an incredibly challenging and emotionally draining experience. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to face this journey alone. Seeking support from professionals and loved ones can make a significant difference in navigating through this difficult time. Here are some key points to consider:
Medical guidance: Prioritize your well-being by seeking medical advice from fertility specialists. They can provide valuable insights into your specific situation, offer potential treatment options, and help you understand the chances of success with further fertility interventions. Having a clear understanding of your options can empower you to make informed decisions about whether to continue pursuing biological parenthood.
Emotional Support: Infertility takes a toll on mental health, and seeking emotional support is crucial for your well-being. Therapy or support groups specifically tailored for individuals dealing with infertility can provide a safe space to express your emotions, share experiences, and gain coping strategies. Connecting with others who are going through similar struggles can help you feel understood and less alone.
Relationship Counseling: The decision to stop trying for a baby can bring about conflicts of differences in coping strategies between partners. Couples counseling can be immensely helpful in navigating these challenges together. A trained therapist can facilitate open communication, provide tools for effective decision-making, and support you through the grieving process as you explore alternative paths to parenthood or embrace a child-free life.
ACT Therapy Model: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic approach that focuses on accepting difficult emotions while committing to actions aligned with your values. This modality can be particularly beneficial when making the decision to stop trying for a baby, as it helps individuals acknowledge and hold both the grief of not bearing their own children and the potential joy in discovering a new path in life. ACT encourages mindfulness and living presently, allowing individuals to find solace in their decision while embracing life’s possibilities.
Infertility Awareness and Education: Infertility is still stigmatized and misunderstood in many societies, leading to feelings of isolation and shame. By sharing your story and educating others about the emotional complexities of the infertility journey, you can help break down these barriers. Increased awareness promotes understanding and empathy, ultimately fostering a more supportive environment for individuals and couples navigating infertility.
Seeking support does not diminish your strength or resilience. It is an act of self-care that empowers you to make informed decisions and navigate the emotional challenges of infertility with greater ease. You deserve compassion, understanding, and the resources necessary to support your well-being throughout the journey.
The decision to stop trying for a baby is a deeply personal one that should be made with some consideration of both medical, physical, and emotional factors. It is important to remember that there is no right or wrong answer, and what matters the most is finding peace and happiness in whatever path you choose.
